The Crow: Wicked Prayer
The Crow: Wicked Prayer is widely regarded as one of the worst films ever made, and this podcast episode dives deep into its myriad flaws and absurdities. The hosts dissect the film's lack of coherent plot, poor performances, and bewildering decisions, such as a supposedly satanic cult that feels more like a community potluck than a menacing group. They highlight how the movie fails to capture the dark, gritty essence of the original Crow series, instead opting for a bright, uninviting desert backdrop that detracts from the story. With tongue-in-cheek humor, they explore the ridiculousness of the characters and their motivations, ultimately concluding that the film is a train wreck that somehow manages to be entertaining in its ineptitude. Join the hosts as they reflect on the cinematic disaster that is Wicked Prayer, offering a blend of laughter and exasperation at the film's many shortcomings.
The Crow Wicked Prayer, often regarded as one of the worst films ever made, serves as the focal point of this engaging podcast episode that delves into the depths of cinematic failure. The hosts—Kyle, Seth, and Drew—embark on a critical analysis of the film's numerous shortcomings, from its disjointed plot to abysmal performances. With Edward Furlong leading a cast that includes Tara Reid and Danny Trejo, the discussion highlights how the movie fails to capture the essence of the beloved original Crow film. The trio reflects on the absurdity of the film's premise, where a cult seeks to resurrect Satan, leading to a series of laughable moments that transform the viewing experience into a dark comedy. As they dissect the film's themes, they ponder how the narrative could have benefitted from a more cohesive script and a deeper understanding of the source material, ultimately concluding that even the absurdity of the film does not redeem it from being a complete failure.
Takeaways:
- The Crow Wicked Prayer is widely regarded as one of the worst films ever made, earning a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
- The characters in Wicked Prayer lack depth and development, with the villains overshadowing the protagonist.
- The film's cinematography fails to capture the essence of the original Crow movies, lacking any stylistic flair.
- Tara Reid's performance as a satanic cult member was criticized for lack of authenticity and skill.
- The plot of Wicked Prayer was so disjointed that even the hosts struggled to summarize it coherently.
- The discussion highlighted how the film's poor writing and direction detracted from its potential as a cult classic.
Transcript
The movie wars.
Seth:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the movie wars podcast. And regretfully, we are continuing our Crow podcast series here. It's El Nino. Get it right, crackerjack. I'm Kyle.
Drew:I'm Seth.
Kyle:There comes a time in every man's life where he's got to look at his kitchen and think, this isn't good.
Seth:I'm Drew.
Drew:I forgot my quote, but it's. I now pronounce you devil and shorty. Oh, God damn it.
Seth:What in God's name?
Drew:I hate everything so much.
Seth:I know.
Drew:Usually I fuck you for making me watch this movie.
Seth:Yes. That's what I was gonna start off with. Usually I put a lot of the monologue's like, my. That's my piece.
You know, I love, like, writing it, making it intricate, having. Putting my thoughts down. Literally, my only thought that I wanted to start off.
Start us off with was that last night, I got a text message from Seth saying, fuck you. I hate you for making me watch this. And I felt really bad because I hadn't seen this in years, and I honestly forgot.
Kyle:And now you know why.
Seth:And I kind of advertised it to you guys as a movie. That's so bad. It's funny, but actually, it's not that good.
Drew:It's not.
Seth:It's so bad. It's not funny.
Drew:There's so many thoughts that I have.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:I respectfully disagree. It was so bad. It made it so much fun to watch. I laughed more at this movie. Like, I probably.
I probably enjoyed myself at this movie more than any of the others. That if it was like, was it a good movie? Absolutely not. But that it's just, you know, what it was, was. And we're all comedians. We can relate to this.
It was like watching a really bad comedian at an open mic. It was like watching just a train wreck of a comedy.
Seth:Like, one we all agree isn't funny and should stop, but they just. But they're the most persistent.
Drew:But they're so bad that you end up laughing because it's part of the experience.
Kyle:And at the end of the night, you and all the. The other people in the crowd are like, we experienced that together.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:And it's just like. I think it's. I mean, Seth, we were talking about this. Cause he's talking. Cause here's my theory.
And it may not be the case, but my theory is that going into it, this is more believable to me, at least. Going into it, they were like, let's make an awful, really bad movie just for the fun of it.
But Seth was telling me that a lot of people make really bad movies and think like, man, this was the best movie ever.
Drew:Oh, I've worked on a few of those and get rough.
Kyle:I just. I just can't believe that Tara Reid and the director and all these other people after the movie came out and they watched it.
Can't believe they were like, man, that's gonna win an Oscar. Like, there's no way. There's no way.
Seth:There are lots of creatives. And I'm 37. I started off in a band. I did stand up. Now all this stuff, I write book. You know, I do everything. And you just meet people.
And this isn't me saying I think I'm special. But I've had points in my careers where. Various careers where I've gotten affirmation, I've gotten a song on the radio. I played Zany's.
Like, things have happened where at least somebody said, okay, you're. You're good at that.
Drew:A little.
Seth:At least a little bit.
Drew:You're not terrible.
Seth:Yeah. You're not terrible. You're not the best, but you're definitely not the worst. That's fine. But you meet some people that in their mind, they are.
They think so highly and it's so delusional. Yeah, it's so delusional. That is this movie.
Kyle:Yeah, I'm just. Yeah, I'm gonna start calling those people the wicked prayer.
Seth:Yes.
Drew:Oh, my God.
Kyle:That's what I'm gonna say. Like, you're just a wicked prayer, man. That's a weird compliment.
Seth:I was definitely praying this would end. This whole.
Drew:Yeah. The first thing I wrote down with regards to this movie was simply spin kick.
Seth:Yes.
Drew:That is where 35 seconds into the actual movie starting. That is where I said, what the fuck? For the first time of probably 200 times throughout this movie, I'll be honest.
Kyle:My first thought, the muscle car drives by, the guy gets out on a wife's leveless shirt. I'm like, oh, my gosh. And he has a baseball. I was like, Vin Diesel.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:Has finally crossed over with the crow.
Drew:So here's my first theory as to why the movie was so bad. I think they spent half the budget on those custom paint jobs for those cars.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Like, I think that's where the 2 million went. And they were like, oh, shit, now we actually gotta make the movie. And they didn't have enough money. That's my first theory.
Seth:Yeah. And random cameos from famous pop stars.
Drew:Love it.
Seth:Yeah. We got Damon John before Shark Tank, founder of Fubu. We've got Macy Gray. We've got Danny Trejo. We.
It's like, how did, how did we get these people in the movie? Like, why?
Kyle:Perfect movie. They knew this was.
Drew:Let's be real, though. Danny Trejo has not made the best movies. He's made some great ones. Not all the best.
I do think Damon John should not have gotten on shark Tank after this movie.
Kyle:Yes.
Drew:How did they see that? He funded this movie. He was the executive producer on this movie. How did they see that? He invested in this and still went, no. Yeah, you're.
You make wise choices.
Kyle:You make great financial business decisions.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:On a show about, we should.
Seth:We should try to get on shark tank and, like, try to get, like, investment from him for our, like, baby food Tupperware business and be like, actually, I don't want to work with you. I saw. I saw wicked prayer. I don't want you in my life.
Drew:Or we.
Kyle:We go on there and we pitch wicked prayer without saying wicked prayer. And everyone just like, that's the, like, are you on drugs?
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:That would be the greatest April fool's joke on that show ever. I just.
Kyle:I mean, there's so much about this movie that is so dumb that I love it.
Drew:I have a list.
Kyle:I think my. Just my favorite thing. Well, no, there's a lot. I don't even know what my favorite thing, but this is a thing.
I'll mention the fact that the villain could have won. Like, Satan could have won if he had just literally finished having sex with Tara Reid, which doesn't sound that hard.
Seth:Maybe he couldn't get it hard.
Kyle:I don't know. But it's like, it's like, that's the plot. Like, I'm not, like, I'm not, like, giving a fun, like, little twist of, like, a comedic.
No, like, that is literally. That's how the bad guy would have won at the end was if he had finished the job.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Fuck me, babe.
Seth:Yeah. Yeah. Even Satan has problems performing at the right time.
Kyle:Yeah, he had a lot of pressure. He had a time frame.
Seth:Old.
Kyle:I mean, he's older. So, like, you know, but can I. Can I say one thing?
Seth:Yeah, please.
Kyle:About the movie.
Seth:Please.
Kyle:Because. And maybe this might be the only good thing, but out of the.
All the series, and we're gonna review the next one next week, and so at this point, we've watched all of them, so I feel comfortable saying this. This one spends the most time developing the villains we actually like.
The villains literally have more stage time than the actual crow, the hero of the. Like they, like, you know more about why they're the way they are. And sometimes it's almost like there was that.
There was one line that terror Reid had where she's like, I don't want to go back to being a nobody. And suddenly you understood why she was, like, having sex with Satan.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Which is. She called someone a useless slut, which I feel like is the pot calling the kettle black in that situation.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:Yeah. Not perfect, but I did like that they took time developing each terrible villain.
And, of course, I mean, the real person, the real hero and person we should feel sorry for is that hearse driver. Oh, my gosh.
Drew:That's Damon John.
Kyle:Yeah.
Drew:I did not feel sorry for him in the slightest, because. Why did you fund this piece of shit?
Seth:I'm not wearing fubu anymore, ever.
Drew:I never have and I never will.
Kyle:I mean, I love just watching him rock out when he was driving the Hirsch. Like, I was like, that guy's what a great day this dude was having. And then it went straight to hell, literally.
Drew:I will say that was the best acting he did, was just that moment.
Kyle:Where he's like, dude, he's grooving. He's grooving. And then one point when he's like, how are you still a virgin? This movie was delightful. Good. No?
Seth:Yeah. Some of the thoughts I had that I wrote down.
Well, first of all, back to your comment about, I think the reason we got to know these villains so well is because they cast Edward Furlong as the lead, and he's a train wreck. He has no business leading this film.
Drew:He's so bad. So bad, they couldn't decide if he was gay or nothing.
Seth:Yes. He had enunciation things. A lot of people comment on that about his weird annunciation. He's not confident. He doesn't know martial arts.
Anytime they asked him to do anything that required movement, he looked like me. God.
Kyle:I think the rule in movies is you need to be able to do whatever better than I can. If I can get look the same.
Seth:If you're gonna beat some ass, beat some ass. Like, seriously, he looked awkward. Anytime he had to deliver a punch, half the movie, it feels like he's getting his ass kicked.
Kyle:Also, like, at one point, they were like. They were asking like, are you an angel or devil? And he's like, I don't even know. And I was like, that's the most believable line.
You don't know anything that's going on with this movie.
Drew:You're just reading cue cards.
Seth:Do you know that you're in a movie right now?
Drew:These are cameras. But he was.
Seth:You know, he showed us some stuff in american history. Acts like he can act.
And part of his plight is that, you know, he was a child actor and one of the most beloved and innovative movies of all time, but he didn't necessarily grow up.
Kyle:Wicked prayer.
Seth:Yeah, the wicked prayer. Yeah.
Drew:I mean, it is the saddest, like, decline fucking from, like, you just said, t two to what the hell did you do eleven years later? Like, why?
Seth:And what the hell happened? Like, at least Eric Mabias, like, he came from Hallmark. That's not great. But he's still a lot better than furlong. I mean.
Drew:Oh, my God. It's like that. Well, I guess people don't, like, really. Hayden Christensen, when he came in as Anakin, and then every movie he's done since and was.
Everyone was like, oh, he sucked. And then the sequel trilogy came out, they were like, actually, he was pretty good. Yeah.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:The problem is, I don't think people are gonna watch this new one and look back on this one any fonder. Yeah.
Seth:Yes.
Kyle:No.
Drew:Oh, my God.
Kyle:Although. So this one was straight to dvd, correct?
Drew:Do they know that when they made it?
Seth:This one, they did know.
Drew:Okay.
Kyle:Yeah, they. They just went out of their way to make a shitty movie. Like, they were, like, they were like, we don't care. No one's gonna see it.
Let's just have fun being ridiculous. It was a parody of movies. I feel like.
Seth:Well, this is the comments I had, and this is how I'll try to describe it. You remember my chinese football jersey illusion from last episode?
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:And when I say a bad dream, I don't mean it in the cliche. Like, it was like a bad dream. Like, really think about the bad dreams you have. Like, the worst dreams you have are bad because they don't make sense.
Like, I had a dream once that my wife left me. Cause I buried her jelly beans in the backyard.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:You know what I mean? Like. Like, dreams that are scary because you're like, what's happening? The jelly beans?
And then I also had another dream where my wife was gonna leave me, but that she wanted me to interview her new husbands. And so she brought all the husband potential husbands over, and it was my job to, like, why is. Why is this happening?
That's what watching this movie was like. It's like, I couldn't figure out why it was so bad. It was so disjointed. Like, the. The way things. Everyone's acts like they're reading off of it.
Like everyone got a different script in the mail. You know, it's like a discover your own adventure book in that way. And I don't know what I'm seeing, actually.
I'm sitting here trying to think, why is this so bad? But I cannot come up with a. It's just so. It's. There's so much malaise happening.
Drew:I will say my dreams are usually better lit than this movie was.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Movie had some of the flattest, most boring lighting. Here's what I will give. We all agree the first crow was a fantastic movie. We're just gonna pretend that we're now only looking at all of the sequels.
The thing that made the other two sequels watchable was the fact that it looked like everyone was trying to do their job. Well. The lighting guys were killing it. In the other movies, they weren't as great as the original, but they still were doing a good job.
This one, they were just like, all right, put some lights up. Make sure you can see everybody. And don't go for any nuance whatsoever. You just want to see everything.
Kyle:It was just an.
Drew:Oh, bad.
Kyle:It was. They were like, let's. Let's make it a western.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:Let's just do it a very western.
Drew:Where no one's gonna admit they're gay.
Kyle:It was like, all the other ones are, like, dark, gritty cities. And then this one's like, how about the Sahara desert?
Drew:Except they filmed it in Utah and pretended it was Mexico. Like, even. They couldn't even go to Mexico to make this movie. They had to go to Mormon country.
Kyle:You know, I was cool. I was cool with the random dystopian. We're in a desert. Like, it's like with these movies.
And that's, you know, something maybe we'll talk about in the next one is, like, I. One thing that I really like is when they just stay in the crow universe.
Like, it's like, okay, this is just another story of, like, a crow coming and kicking somebody's ass like this. Like, they keep it. Like. I mean, after the first one, I really thought they were gonna keep it in the same city, and that would have been cool.
But now that I know that, like, every movie is supposed to, quote unquote, stand alone, some of them shouldn't even be standing, honestly.
Drew:But.
Kyle:But now that I know that that's a thing, like, when I saw that it was just in some kind of dystopian poor, like, I don't know, somewhere, I was like, okay, whatever.
Seth:I.
Kyle:It's just so dumb. But see, the difference between.
Cause, like, I would say this one was better than the city of angels, because when we watched, and we said this, when we watched the city of angels, we were like, nobody looks like they're having a good time. Nobody wants to be here. We don't even want to be here.
These people were filming such a crappy movie and saying such stupid dialogue, and somehow looked like they were having a blast doing it.
Drew:Like, again, I think they thought they were making art.
Kyle:I think they all ran into each other at a cracker barrel on a Sunday afternoon and said, let's make a movie. And then they went and made a movie. That's how we got wicked prayer.
Seth:Well, David Bornaz was having a good time. The guy playing Luke Rush, I think he was the only one having a good time, which, by the way, it was so funny to me when we first meet him.
Like, apparently he was in prison for really bad crimes. Like, you find out later, but it doesn't.
It just look like he's on a cleanup crew, like, cleaning up ocean for, like, getting, like, a speeding ticket, doing community service. It's like, what is he? Like, picking up cans? Like, what?
Kyle:Yeah, it was like, what? In this movie, one day, I was like, where's the backstory? And I was like, oh, I don't think they're gonna do a backstory.
Seth:They try. My only other thought I had was that any. It's funny seeing the zeitgeist around this franchise that's been.
That was exploded around the remake coming out like the very passionate, faithful. You know, crow fans like myself, came out in droves. Yeah, but this film that is all gone like this.
Either it had evaporated, and I would see a lot of reasons it evaporated. The whole gothimo thing that was really popularized by the first film had disappeared.
Drew:But see, here's the thing. The first film, Brandon Lee actually looked like a terrifying goth.
This one, he literally just looked like he was mad that his mom wouldn't let him go to warp tour, right? Like, that level of emo, just, like, sitting in his room. Cuz tonight won't be the night. Like, that kind of guy, he kind.
Seth:Of looked like a war boy from Fury Road. Just. He kind of looked lumpy, you know? He's like, this is the guy.
Kyle:He looks like a teenager. Drug problems to me. Like, I was like, I've seen you and drugs, Adderall.
Seth:Well, that's what's sad.
That's who furlong has been in real life, you know, he's been in and out of rehab, and I really thought after american history acts, he could have done, but he just. I just don't think he could, you know, keep it together.
Drew:Yeah, they do.
Kyle:And we'll talk about this in the next movie, too, but, like, because they didn't. In the next movie, but, like, I do like, when it. How. Whenever they become.
You see, like, a similar personality once they become the crow, like, once they get overpowered by the bird, I guess. I don't know. I don't know the science behind what happens there. But there's like a.
There's like, a frantic kind of manic energy that each of them bring. Some of them brought better than others, but, like, you see that, and I've always enjoyed watching that for the past few movies.
We'll get to the next movie when we get to the next.
Seth:Yeah. Nice. Well, hey, remember, if you have any fans that love wicked prayer, make sure you send it to them.
They're in a desert somewhere pretending to make Robert Rodriguez, you guys, fans.
Kyle:But honestly, send it to them and then, like, give them a hug, because they probably got a lot of problems if they're like, this is an awesome movie. Like, go hang with them.
Seth:Like, yeah, check on them. Check on your people. But for real, if you love movie wars, we love you guys. Thanks for supporting us.
The easiest thing you can do is send it to a friend. Use that share button on social media text message. We love y'all. All right, the questions. Here we go. This is. This is. This one. Hit me instantly.
Remember, I read and write these like a talk show host.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:Did Dennis Hopper even have a script here? Or did they give him a mound of cocaine and a fur coat and say, just go do what you can here?
Drew:Unfortunately, I think he put too much thought into every word that was said on this film. I think he came out of whatever cocaine vendor he was on.
Seth:Yes.
Drew: Like, this is gonna be my: Kyle:He did sound like every time he's speaking, I was like, he's trying so hard.
Seth:Yes.
Kyle:I mean, it. Like, it was like he might have been one of the actors that'd been like, this is the best.
Drew:I think he was truly acting his best.
Seth:Yeah. And this is what happens when you find actors at their crossroads.
I mean, we saw it with Nicolas Cage and Wesley snimes, with the IR's Edward Furlong here, obviously. And Dennis Hopper has been in and out with. With things, with, you know, substance as well, and they make decisions.
Kyle:Maybe everyone. I mean. Cause if you look at the cast, like, a lot of them, and have had close a contact with drug problems. So maybe they were all on a trip. Like an.
Can you imagine filming this movie when you're on acid? That's what happened.
Seth:Well, and you talked about giving too much effort. I could actually see that because I and movie war fans are going to hit me over the head for talking about this again.
But one of my favorite improvs of all time is as the journalist in Apocalypse now when he's in. There's a ton of outtakes, too, that didn't make it to the final cut.
That are amazing of him walking around Martin Sheen while he's in the bamboo cage, and he's, like, improving this thing about the galaxies. And he was very high in the movie while he was doing it, but he literally improv in, like, you. Like, he made that up. It was incredible.
I could see him, though, coming to this movie like, I'm prepared. Yeah, I read. I memorized my lines. I did the coke. I did the coke, you know, but I actually. I actually do have a random for it. But it's. It's a fun.
It's a funny rando. But anyway, shout out to Dennis Hopper as El Nino here if you're watching.
Kyle:Thanks, man.
Seth:Next question. How is it that Jimmy is the kind of guy that will beat a rapist to death, but also sit on a swing and ponder?
Why is there so many scenes of him pondering on that swing under the tree?
Drew:He's a sad boy.
Kyle:He's a deep, emotionally deep character.
Seth:This is the worst crow. It has to be the worst crow figure.
Drew:Oh, absolutely. Oh, my God.
Seth:What were they thinking with furlong?
Kyle:I might agree with that.
Seth:He's, like, staring into the distance on a swing, but yet I'm supposed to believe he killed a rapist and that's why he went to prison?
Kyle:He missed his. He missed his woman. I don't know.
Seth:Yeah, I don't know. I don't listen, I don't like. I don't like to kick ass and ponder. You either ponder or you kick ass.
You either write poetry, or you're fucking shocked.
Kyle:The kind of people that ponder aren't like, oh, let me go. Brutally murder this someone, because usually in the pottery pondering, they're like, oh, there's probably a better way of handling this.
Drew:Yeah, I feel like he had just finished reading the Art of War by Sun Tzu, because that's kind of the whole point is you are supposed to ponder the universe and then go kick some fucked ass.
Seth:Yeah, except he didn't kick ass.
Drew:It was the worst fighting I've seen in all the movies.
Seth:He's getting his ass kicked the whole time. Like, I feel like half the time, I'm like, what is he. Is he gonna kill anybody in this movie?
Drew:It's like he killed everybody by accident. Failing upwards.
Kyle:He definitely was, like, the weakest crow. Like, and I mean that, like, in the. Like, he did the least amount of ass kicking.
Seth:Yeah, just.
Kyle:He just. He just existed the whole time.
Drew:He just looked like Joe Biden falling up.
Seth:Yes. Why did he come back? Like, he came. He came back to literally just do nothing.
Kyle:Can you imagine the crow that had to, like, empower him? He's like, really? This guy?
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:It would have been a better movie if they had pulled a t three and turned to a woman to come back instead of it being just another lady.
Kyle:Honestly, the. His lady that died.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:She had some more acting potential there.
Drew:Absolutely.
Seth:She would have been a way.
Kyle:He would have been. Yeah.
Seth:Oh, Emmanuel Shrieky.
Kyle:Yeah. Like, she. Yeah, like, I was at this point, I'd seen enough of these movies, or I was impressed with their acting performance.
Oh, this character's going somewhere. But then I was like, she's. I mean, she's gonna die. Yeah. Except for the next one when she's in it for half the movie.
Seth:Yeah. Which is funny. She would become very beloved, you know, an entourage. I mean, she's a. She's a.
She's pretty good actress eventually, but it seemed like it. Yeah.
Drew:You can only do so much when you're handed a terrible script. Yeah, she did her best, I think.
Seth:And we're supposed she was the best.
Drew:In the entire movie.
Seth:Yeah, I agree. I didn't think about that. But, yeah, she probably. If there's.
If you have to say someone did the best job here, you know, give someone a cookie, I guess she gets the cookie.
Drew:Yeah, I think so.
Kyle:That's no fun. I want to look at who did the worst job.
Seth:Like, who. Who was Edward Furlong?
Drew:That's. That's debatable.
Kyle:But he wasn't enjoyable to watch, honestly. The henchmen that, like, the Tito Ortiz is famine.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:The guy chosen from Cobra Kai, who's also in this.
Seth:Like, this is the fridge they used to. My mom used to put me in.
Drew:Also, can we talk about the number of times both Edward Furlong and the villains would cover themselves in gasoline while dousing a place.
Seth:Just random.
Drew:And then not catch on fire when they lit the matches?
Seth:Yeah, yeah.
Drew:I'm like, you clearly don't know how gasoline works.
Seth:This is bad. This must be some bad gas out there in chrome.
Drew:This is a problem I have with movies in general. Mythbusters has proven you cannot light oil with a cigarette.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Like, it is physically impossible. And I see it in so many shitty movies where, like, the villain just flicks the cigarette and then suddenly there's a big old fire.
It's physically impossible. Stop doing it, Hollywood.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:So the fact that, um, it was a. Was a cult bringing back Satan and that a crow empowered a dead person to bring him back to stop. That wasn't the unbelievable part.
Drew:No, that's all fine. I get all that. But trying to light a whole pool, like, both water and oil, with a cigarette, fuck off.
Kyle:Okay. Good to know.
Seth:Yeah, that's interesting. I didn't know they had. But, hey, they had busted that.
Drew:Oh, yeah. Completely.
Seth:Mmm.
Drew:Yeah. The things, you know.
Seth:I love it. Last question. Did everyone get the same script here?
Drew:No.
Kyle:No. That's the fun of it.
Seth:Or did they purposely send. It feels like everyone thinks they're in a different movie.
Kyle:Yeah, I think throw them together and see what happens.
Drew:I think the director, day by day, potentially hour by hour, was just doing more lines and. And would do edits, but only give them to certain people.
Kyle:Or maybe, like, I know, because we actually, all of us probably have a hand to know in this. Like, when you edit something, sometimes you take just the biggest heap of trash and you're like, let me try to make a movie out of this.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:And so maybe if there was, like, in a director's cut or an extended of the unedited of what this movie was, it would have been far worse and so ridiculous. But at least you're like, oh, it's the same script. So the editor had to be like, how do I.
Seth:How do I do this?
Drew:What do I do?
Seth:They could have used the Weinstein cut, like, on City of Angels. Like, we could have used their hacksaw skills here.
Drew:This was already the shortest of most of these movies, and it.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Still way too long.
Seth:I know. I was literally praying that it would end. Like, I was like, wicked prayer. Like, I. That is my prayer. Like, stop.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:Right now.
Drew:I was excited when I saw it was an hour 40, and then by 30 minutes into it, I was like, what the.
Kyle:It could have. They could have. They could have made it, like an hour movie. I think even just if it was, it could have stayed just as stupid but shorter.
And that would have actually helped it.
Drew:I think, to legally be considered a feature film. It had to be at least an hour 15. I would have been okay with that.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Hit the bare minimum if you're going to produce a heap of shit like this.
Seth:Yeah. And there is a lot of scenes of nothing happening.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:It's just literally like this, Baron.
Drew:Even the death scene, like, when they fucking kill both of them, a. I thought they were gonna make out, like, the way that they're just, like, tightly hugging each other's faces and are squeezing themselves closer.
I literally thought it was about to be like. You thought you downloaded the wrong movie? I thought I downloaded the gay porn.
Seth:Over time in Cuervo.
Drew:Yes.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Oh, my God.
Kyle:Of course, I wouldn't want them to make the movie longer, but what I would have liked in this story. There's so many things I would have.
Drew:Liked in this story.
Kyle:But one thing is, this is the first time, I think, where we have the crow and the nemesis who have, like, a shared backstory.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:They have history, and we get so little information other than that they used to be really tight and maybe one almost flashback, and then you're just left to ponder.
Seth:Yeah, yeah.
Kyle:And like. And then, like. But when they're fighting each other, like, their.
You know, their occasional dialogue is alluding to the fact that they used to know each other so well. I'm like, did you? Because I don't know. Like, at least I think.
I think the way I might be mixing up movies here, the way that he eventually ultimately died was kind of. Didn't he get, like, impaled?
Seth:Yeah. It was supposed to be a nod to top dollar.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:So I. Because I feel like they. They do that occasionally in these movies, and I like it when they do that because it isn't.
It's like, oh, remember that time we made a good movie in this series? Just hold on to that.
Seth:Is there anything. Is there anything that happened in the first one we could at least do here just to. Just to make this mildly interesting? How about we impale a guy?
Oh, you mean blood? I don't know if we have any blood on set. Well, isn't this a movie about people killing people? Yeah, but we don't have any blood.
Kyle:Meanwhile, someone's like, hey, what if we, like, had a plot? And they're like, no, no, no, let's.
Drew:Pretend Tara Reid's an actual trained sniper.
Seth:Good God, she's a train wreck. Dear God, I.
Kyle:You know, I could watch her for the entire two hour movie if it was just her, I'd be like, good enough.
Seth:Maybe because of what american pie is about, and I haven't seen it. I didn't like those movies, and I haven't seen one in years.
But maybe because of the theme and what those movies are about, it padded us from basically every single one of those actors and actresses. Like, we just really. Because it's what it's about. Like, we just don't know what their skill sets are. Putting her here, I was like, oh, my God.
Drew:It's. I mean, she did a better job in Sharknado than she did in this, and I think that says something.
Seth:Yeah, I just.
Kyle:I mean, she was. She did awfully here, but I feel like they. I feel like she was trying to be a terrible actress.
Drew:That's the problem, is I don't think she was. I think she actually thought she was doing a good job.
Seth:Yeah. Sharknado gets an Oscar compared to this.
Drew:Yes, absolutely.
Kyle:I don't want to live in a world where these people are actually trying to act in this movie and, like, thought it was good. I like.
Seth:It's a gig, man.
Kyle:I can't. Can't do it.
Seth:It's a gig.
Kyle:I think they all got together and say, let's make a really shitty movie, and it'll be fun to watch with our grandkids.
Drew:I think someone handed her 50 grand and said, we're going to have you in the desert for two weeks. Enjoy yourself.
Kyle:Also, you're gonna have sex with Satan. Okay.
Seth:And bring a halter top, but not quite.
Drew:You're gonna almost fully have sex with him, but he's gonna stop, and then you're gonna say a hail Barry. Cause you're trying to find a curse.
Kyle:But also, like, randomly in the movie. It shows, like, her tragic backstory with ninja. Like, just that flashback, and you're like, oh, sorry, Tara Reid. I suddenly feel for you a little.
Drew:Yeah, it didn't help me.
Seth:Yeah. I don't know, Rando. Rando, the way this reverb in my headphones is right now.
That Rando man sounds like I'm at the bottom of a whiskey barrel, which I wish I was. What's really sad about this is the movie we didn't get. And you actually. You actually found this out, and I.
And I had found it out, too, when you texted me, I was laughing, because when I read it. This is insane. This movie was originally wicked. Prayer was called the Crow Lazarus.
Drew:Yeah. DMX already better name, by the way.
Seth:Already better anytime you toss an old biblical term in there. Yeah, pretty good stuff.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:DMX was going to play a rapper who was died and resurrected. He was going to come back to kill a record executive played by Eminem.
Drew:Which would have been so cool.
Seth:It would have. And Eminem has chops, like, 8 miles. I mean, love it, but, I mean, he's good in it.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:Now, granted, he's not really veering away from his personality much in it, but.
Kyle:I wouldn't want him. If I saw him in Crow Lazarus, I wouldn't want to see anything less than Eminem from eight file anyway. But can you.
Maybe you're getting this in your random. But they heard of that plot, and they're like, no, that. That won't be very good. And then they made wicked prayer.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:They're like, we can do better. And then this was better.
Seth:Yeah, I would.
Kyle:You're right. I would have loved that movie, and I would have been so let down at the end of it if I didn't see, like, a freestyle rap battle.
Seth: hink training day came out in:It had Snoop Dogg, and I think Doctor Dre was one of the. Was in it, too. So this was definitely. And the thing is, too, it would have been a little.
It probably would have been a little more well accepted, because that was the trend, and it was freshen and, like.
Drew:But I made it to theaters.
Seth:It could have. And they have no. None of the rock music that we love. It has none of the, you know, the. The gothing is over. At least it would have been relevant.
Yeah, maybe. I mean, Macy Gray.
I love Macy Gray, but she was basically a one hit wonder, and she's here, like, yeah, you put DMX in this thing, and they tried to put DMX in a lot of movies, and I don't know why he never ends up, like, in some of the old episodes of movie wars. I feel like his name comes up as a potential cast.
Kyle:Yeah, a lot.
Seth:I'm just like, why were they trying to put DMX and everything?
Drew:I mean, you go through those periods.
Like, there was a period during, like, when Avatar came out and when Terminator salvation came out, they were trying to put Sam Worthington everything.
Seth:Yes.
Drew:You do have moments where, like, everyone's like, no, no, we can make some serious money off this guy. We just got to throw him in everything for five years, and then everyone's gonna get tired. Yeah, but we'll have all the money.
Seth:Russell Crowe.
Drew:Yeah, see, he's made a nice, long career out of it. Yeah, he took his fame and has been, like, just ridden it for the longest time.
Seth:Yeah, I know. What you're saying about Sam Worthy is like, can you be a cyborg?
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:Can you be a top?
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:Can you be a cowboy?
Drew:Yeah, exactly.
Seth:Do it all, baby.
Drew:Put him in 20 movies and five years, and then no one will hear his name ever again.
Seth:That's gonna happen to Glenn Powell right now. That's Glenn Powell. Can you chase tornadoes? Can you be a hitman?
Drew:Can you do Hallmark?
Seth:I love it.
Drew:My theory, though, on why the other movie didn't get made is because Harvey Weinstein heard they wanted to do a black crow, and he was like, uh uh. No way. Yeah.
Seth:Yeah. You think so? Is he. Is he a racist guy?
Drew:He's a terrible person.
Seth:I mean, he's a horrible person.
Drew:I mean, put it past him for being racist.
Seth:Yeah. And it's probably because he's not good looking. You know what I mean? That's why he can't get out. You know, sometimes people get.
I was like, well, he looks nice. Harvey Weinstein is an awful person. That also looks awful.
Drew:My favorite little factoid about him was that that really disfigured ugly orc in return of the King Peter Jackson literally designed.
Seth:That would be a great subtle job. Is that actually the truth?
Kyle:Actually true.
Drew:He came out in an article, like, a year or two ago and was like, oh, no, I definitely turned that guy into Harvey Weinstein.
Kyle:Gosh, every argument Harvey Weinstein's in now is going to always end with the other guy being like, well, at least no one designed an orc after me.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:God, this would be a side podcast. We could talk hours, but it really is amazing how many people walked around Hollywood knowing how big of a. A piece of shit that guy was.
And for decades.
Drew:Oh, my God.
Seth:But he was the cash cow. I love it. Rogan even pushed up Tarantino on it for the first time ever. Tarantino wasn't confident, you know, because he made the business.
Yeah, well, I didn't know. You didn't. You didn't see the casting couch then. Anyway, he's come up so much because of this series.
Kyle:I know. I was like, I feel like not.
Drew:Do a main character.
Seth:Yeah, yeah, we got a. We got a good slot coming in here. All right. And what's my next rando here?
So my funny question earlier, what I found out later about Hopper was, and I think this is a paraphrase, I couldn't find exactly what he said, but apparently, when he arrived on set, he asked the director in some form or fashion this question. So you're telling me that if I say these words in order, people will understand what they mean? He had no idea, and I have no idea.
The three of us in comedy, when you're in comedy, we have been around the craziest, most aberrant, drug fueled. I mean, we've seen it all, right. At this point, after doing stand up as long we have, I didn't understand a fucking thing he said. No. Just like, why.
Why were these words written on paper?
Kyle:Because someone thought, let's make a terrible movie.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:And wouldn't it be funny if Hoffer said this?
Seth:Yeah. It doesn't. And that's why I talked about in. In the beginning, why it felt like a bad dream.
Like, it just feels like from scene to scene, nothing connects. It's just like the way it's played, what's written on the paper. It just is like, was that random?
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:Yes.
Seth:Is this your James Joyce moment? Is this your Ulysses stream of consciousness moment?
Kyle:They asked AI to make a crow movie.
Seth:That is exactly what it is before.
Drew: AI back in: Seth:Yes. I feel like it would come up.
Drew:With a better one than almost definitely.
Seth:This is. I just. What's happening? Like, that was my big question. I'm just like, every scene, I'm like, what was that? I've never had a movie this bad.
At least Wicker man. And they were basing it on a really good movie. At least Wicker man had like a week. We get it. We get the point.
But this movie, I'm literally just every sim, like, what the fuck?
Kyle:This was probably the worst movie I've seen in a while.
Drew:Oh, absolutely. It was one of those movies. If someone asked me what it was about, I could not explain the plot to you.
Seth:Yeah, we've got some real.
Kyle:I think. Yeah, I think you could explain the plot, but you would have to keep a straight face as you're explaining the plot. Yeah.
So basically there's a cult that brings Satan back, and the only reason to keep Satan there is if he has sex with Tara Reid. And then there's this guy that his girlfriend dies, and then he comes back because of the spirit of a crow, resurrects him.
Drew:And somehow all the native mega Mexicans sound racist while speaking in their native accent.
Kyle:There's this virgin who works at a funeral home. I would love to explain the plot to somebody.
Seth:You're right. If you had to explain it. But. But listening to you explain it is more entertaining than any part of the movie?
Drew:Completely. Absolutely. This another. This is another one of those movies.
We're, like, halfway through, I just got up and started working out, because I was like, I can't. I can't.
Kyle:And maybe that's why this movie didn't bother me as much, because I was watching it while I was, like, eating lunch. While I was getting ready to go to Louisville, my brain was doing other things as I was watching whatever was on the screen.
Seth:I'm surprised you could keep your lunch down.
Drew:I was all in on this movie while I was watching it for the first hour.
Seth:Drew, I think we need to cover a movie where he doesn't feel the need to work out in the middle of it.
Kyle:That's the sign of a good movie, where it's like, if Seth decides not to put himself through physical pain, a.
Seth:Movie so good, you're like, how can I do anything but watch this movie right now?
Kyle:And you're telling me that wasn't the wicked prayer for you?
Seth:Oh, my God.
Drew:Yeah, no, I was.
Seth:I cleaned my. I'm not gonna lie. I cleaned my kitchen. It's my job to be super in tune. I was cleaning my kitchen.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:I changed two diapers that night.
Kyle:I was. I did a show in Louisville with comedians I'd never met. And before the show, I did try to.
I was telling them I just watched the wicked prayer, and they're like, what? We've never even heard of that? I'm like, no, but, like, this is. As soon as I explained it, I was like, I get why you guys don't seem enthused, right?
Seth:Yeah. Yeah.
Drew:To be honest, the title wicked prayer makes it sound like it's gonna be a Boston cop movie. Yeah.
Seth:Or a Blair witch or a hocus pocus, something which related.
Drew:Yeah, it's the wicked prayer, buddy.
Seth:Yeah, it does. It does have a bostonian tone to it. But then you see the desert, and you're like, oh, God, where's the pub? Oh, my God. And then we don't.
I don't even want to get into it, but the coal miner, like, they got the coal miner thing thrown in there. By the end of the movie, you're like, wasn't there a coal mine issue? What was that about?
Drew:Did they briefly mention it, like, right near the end, where he's like, we can't have to build a casino. And I'm like, this sounds like it's better for everybody.
Kyle:Yeah.
Seth:This town could use a facelift. Right last rando. And this is just shameful. I mean, the only actress doing any form of work here that's. That's. Is Emmanuel Shrieky here.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:There are repeated references to Lily as the blue eyed Indian, and they need her eyes. She clearly has brown eyes. You don't even have. They don't even. And they zoom in. You see them, but you don't even have to zoom in.
There are thousands of frames where she clearly has brown eyes, but for some reason, we need a blue eyed Indian, and she's not even indian. These folks are. It's a made up tribe of people that are hispanic. It's like. And maybe they're Aztecs, but it's happening near America.
I just don't even understand.
Kyle:So I'm telling you, when they were at cracker barrel 15 minutes before they filmed this movie, when they were writing this movie, they were like, wouldn't it be funny if we talked about blue eyes and then used brown eyes for the entire time?
Seth:And this is.
Kyle:That makes more sense than them being like, of all the women in Hollywood that are trying to get a role.
Seth:You couldn't find one with blue eyes.
Drew:Again, it's just this movie was so bad that somehow the native hispanic people speaking their native accents sounded racist as hell.
Seth:Yes.
Drew:It sounded like the worst white person. This is how I think Mexicans speak, and I'm just gonna do it.
Kyle:I'll be honest, I didn't really realize that they were hispanic. I thought they were just a bunch of white, white, racist cowboys. Like, I figured they were symptoms of their time.
Seth:That's one of the dumbest things about this. You're supposed to somehow think they're native, but they're also hispanic, so maybe they're as.
Kyle:I thought they were native to Alabama.
Seth:Yeah, yeah.
Kyle:I was like. I mean, when. When he was, you know, the. The dad. The disapproving dad of their. The relationship, I was like, well, I mean, we've all.
We've all been there into the south, you know?
Drew:Yeah. I will say, I. I'm gonna have to disagree with you that she had the best acting in the whole movie.
I think the best acting moment of the whole movie was Danny Trejo shaking his titties around to resurrect the crow. I think that was a. The strongest performance I've ever seen him give. I was hard.
Seth:They were. They were beautiful.
Kyle:I was just like, of course, this is exactly what this movie.
Seth:At least one of them was a c. I do think, before we get to the war, scar the score, fuck the war card. I've been doing this, for years, there's repeated with the.
With, God, I love y'all. This is, to me, is malpractice. And here's why. This rando is. I'm crossing my arms cause I'm so mad at myself right now.
This is because, first of all, Tara Reid must be so bad at this that she never. She never thought.
While she's saying the line about the blue eyes and she's literally staring at Emmanuelle Shrieki like and assuming it's her, not a stunt double, and she's staring at her, fixing to pretend to cut her. She never thought for a second, well, she doesn't have blue eyes. It never crossed her mind.
Also, would it really have done any worse for this movie if they just changed it to brown eyes?
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:Like, was it really gonna be the. No, it has to be blue.
Kyle:It's the crux that holds the whole plot together, apparently.
Drew:Like, apparently blue contacts are just too expensive.
Kyle:Right?
Seth:They couldn't change one word, and one stupid actress couldn't point it out. Nobody could point it out. They were all around her, right. Shriek. He was on set.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:I really tried to look up, like, with, like, I think I typed, like, something with terror read, like, what she interviews with her about this movie. No one has anything to say about their time in this movie.
Drew:No, this is the one everyone wants to.
Seth:Yes. Speaking of that, shall we pray?
Kyle:Yeah.
Seth:Shall we get wicked? Shall we come out of the fridge? Rater?
Drew:Oh, my God.
Kyle:Every man's life.
Seth:All right, top bill cast. And the top bill cast is real weird here, because I'm looking. Usually.
Usually IMDb is in order, but I don't necessarily think we need to get too fancy. Let's just say Edward Furlough here.
Kyle:Okay.
Seth:What do you think, Drew?
Kyle:So that that was. I always got to make sure I'm thinking the right person. That was the crow. The lead guy.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:Less about him. Oh, Eddie, give him a good.
Seth:John Connor was a long time ago.
Drew:Yeah. But he still had the same twelve year old energy ten years later. He did.
Kyle:He did. Him as a character in this did nothing for me. To me, it was more fun to watch the villains. At one point, I was kind of rooting for the satanic cult.
I was like, you know, just wrap it up.
Drew:I'm literally looking through my notes, trying to find something positive I wrote about him, and, yeah, there's nothing.
Seth:Yeah, I have a place in my heart for Edward Furlong because I'm such a die hard Terminator fan. And the John Connor thing is so cool. And when I was a kid, it was so cool watching another kid being such a great big movie. But this is.
squatted and taken a shit at: Drew:Yeah.
Seth:The least interesting, the most awkward. I mean, it makes Vincent Perez look, like, freaking sly here. I mean, it. This is just. And it's. But it's nonsensical. Like, it's.
It's not just that it's bad, but I'm asking myself, there was no one else. There wasn't a maybe. It's on the hallmark channel. There was nothing.
Is it because no one would do it or you just like, Edward Furlong was in town that week.
Kyle:Everyone else read that script, and they're like, no, thank you.
Seth:Yeah, yeah.
Kyle:Edward Furlong was like, I mean, I got a. I got an empty 2 hours I can cover here.
Seth:He's like, I love this. Let's do it.
Drew:He needed the 50 grand, you know.
Seth:Like, maybe Arnold doesn't even call him back. Like, you know? And Arnold's like, apparently the nicest guy in Hollywood, you know? And then. But Edward Furlong calls him. He's like, oh, no.
So we're all in agreeance here. That ate some major crow.
Kyle:Yeah.
Drew:Oh, my. My God.
Seth:All right. Supporting cast. And I'm going to. Because it's so forgettable.
With the last two movies, I've had to remind myself who they played because they were so forgettable. So we got Yuki Akamato as persist. What is it, pet? Pestilence.
Kyle:Pestilence?
Seth:Pestilence. That's a hard word to say. And he was the first guy to dump gasoline all over himself for absolutely no reason.
Kyle:Why not, man?
Seth:Marcus chong spin kick. Yeah. That Marcus Chong is war. Tim. Tito Ortiz is famine. Oh, God. Tara Reid is Lola Byrne. And then David Borey ends as Luke Crash.
And I'm trying to think, oh, well, I guess we got to go through a lot of these. The priest was played by Rosenberg. Salgado, obviously.
We got Danny Trejo as Harold, and then we got some of the other ones we talked about earlier with John.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:I'm gonna give him. I mean, again, going on the theory that this movie is so bad. It was good, which is how I felt about it.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:I had fun watching it. And it was all because of the supporting cast. They were so ridiculous.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:So, like, you know what? I'm gonna give them a thumbs up. I'm gonna give them as a crow flies.
Drew:I seriously question your judgment.
Seth:Oh, I'm sorry. I am, too.
Kyle:Listen, from episode one of movie wars 2.0, I right away said, I don't know things. I don't care. I just watch movies, and if I enjoy them, they're good.
Drew:If I don't watch movies and I.
Kyle:Don'T know, and I don't care to know things, I just, you know, I live my life a quarter mile at a time.
Drew:Piece of merch.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Just watch movies and don't know things.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Drew Davis.
Seth:I don't know things.
Kyle:I don't. And I don't want to know things like, no, we're really unhappy. Smart people. All right. You know?
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:So anyway, I gotta give it crow. I'm sorry. It. There is. There was literally nothing positive I could pull out of this movie, even down to the one person I think actually tried.
Still didn't do a good job. Yeah, it's. It's a huge ecrow.
Seth:I respect your game. I respect your commitment to what you said. And I love that you. And you. You managed to drop your. You dropped your line again. But I also.
Magnificent crow. Dick. Here's what makes me mad. We're all creatives, right? And we all do a lot of things. You do music, comedy. Like, we all just.
We're like, what's that word? Polymath. You know, that's not.
Kyle:You were gonna go with.
Seth:Yeah, we're all polyamorous, everybody. I. I do movie wars because I love movies.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:And I know that for. For just like anything else, you would probably ask a lot of actors. Like, it's a job.
Eventually it does become a job, unless you're a Daniel Day Lewis or a Joaquin. Like, they do it because they. They love the challenge. They love the art.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:But it makes me so mad. It just seems that nobody ever raised their hand and just said, what the fuck are we doing here?
Kyle:Can we.
Seth:Tara, why?
Drew:Why are we here?
Seth:This is. This makes no sense. And nobody on set is saying Brandon Lee is people like him. Like, people are sad he's dead.
And we're, like, still doing this in this way. Tara Reid's not like she has brown eyes. No one asked any questions. Take pride in what you do. Danny Trejo.
I mean, yeah, I mean, his best work is probably heat and then Robert, my kids, and then Rodriguez films. And, yeah, Machete is fun for what it is. I mean, he's done good work. He's one of the most beloved films of all time. He does a good job.
His name's also Danny in it.
Drew:Yeah, I.
Seth:But he didn't. I mean, maybe no one wanted to be out and about. Maybe in between scenes, they ran right back to the trailer. They were like, I can't.
Kyle:They don't want anyone.
Seth:So that's why I give it the most massive eat crow ever. Because I just. Someone has to raise their hand and say, we just gotta change something about what?
Kyle:Hey, can. Can we make a good movie?
Seth:Yeah. Okay.
Drew:Like, I know I signed a contract, but can we try?
Seth:Yes.
Drew:Just a little bit.
Seth:Does anyone want a future in acting here?
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:Does anyone, does this. Want, you want this to be your last stop?
And did no one walk up to Dennis Hopper and say, weren't you in an apocalypse now, one of the greatest movies ever made in history of film? And no one ever walked up, said, what are you doing here?
Drew:Like, did no one walk up to Damon John and say, you should stick.
Seth:With fashion, stick with clothes, and I hope you never do a show about investing in weird businesses.
Drew:How did he look like he'd never smoked weed before.
Seth:I know he looks very. I know. It's like, dude, you made clothing for people whose job is to smoke weed. Like, that's literally part of the job description big time.
But I do appreciate the commitment. Poetic killings.
Drew:There were none.
Seth:There were.
Drew:Yeah, they were just so bad.
Kyle:Yeah, yeah. None of. None of the killings were memorable.
Drew:So I will say, and now that I'm thinking about it, this may be the only positive thing I can say about this movie. It is the only movie in this series where the crow tried to kill himself.
Kyle:Oh, yeah, that's a good point.
Drew:Because it is the only movie where the crow did not want to come back. All the other movies, the crow had a very specific personal reason to actually want to come back this time. He clearly had no interest in coming back.
Kyle:Yeah. He was like, they were like, why are you here? He's like, I don't even know.
Which might have been the actor being honest about like, yeah, I don't want.
Seth:To come back either.
Drew:So that is the only interesting thing I can say about this movie, is the fact that I do think it dealt with one little detail that none of the other movies did. But other than that one attempt, none of the deaths were in any way memorable.
Kyle:Well, I do think, look, I. Deaths, none of them are memorable.
But with what you were saying, that is the fun, fun part about these movies is evaluating the motivations behind the crow, they all are a little different. So far, they haven't made any, like, one that's, like, too similar to the other. So that's kind of a fun difference to look at.
But I don't even remember these deaths. I think I died. I died when watching. I remember my death when watching this movie.
Seth:Yes. Yeah. A part of me died.
Drew:Like, the only death I remember was he died because he didn't fuck Tara Reid in her prime.
Kyle:I get it. I get it, man. If we were all there, we would. I mean, any one of us, we would have died.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:Yeah. I go eat crow here because I just don't remember, like, a death, like, I. I watched a week ago.
And again, for the audience, the audience knows how disciplined I am with my research. I usually watch the multiple times. I will watch the commentaries.
At one point before I watched it the first time, I was messaging the guy in Missouri. I was like, hey, I'll buy your rear. Cause I couldn't find a dvd, and it had five commentaries. Why does this movie have five commentaries, by the way?
Kyle:Now I kind of want to listen to. I mean, at least one of them.
Seth:Five of them. And Edward Furlong's apparently doing one of them. I would love to hear his take.
Drew:Okay, y'all, for the next five years, we're gonna review the commentaries once a year.
Kyle:Did we just decide to make a new wicked prayer exclusive?
Seth:Wicked prayer wars. But I. This is the first time in movie wars history where I could not watch it again.
I kept pulling it up, maybe, and I said, no, I'm not gonna let myself do this. There. I don't remember. Whereas the first one was so memorable.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:And they were so unique. And they were unique to the villain. There is nothing. And I. There's no blood. There's no. I just don't. This is hilarious.
The only thing I remember him doing was crawling under that sheet with the kid, and he kind of disappears. Like, that was a weird use of your powers. You won't kill anybody, but you'll disappear under a sheet with a kid. Very weird.
Kyle:That was weird. What's a weird scene?
Seth:Yeah, so, yeah, so, yeah. Eating some major crow here. Three. Oh, the crow flies. Has zero. The mask.
Drew:What mask?
Kyle:Yeah, in general, his look or everybody.
Seth:Everyone's like, just the look. The aesthetic of the people. But, yeah, let me.
Drew:Okay. I got. I got a rant here for a second.
Seth:Please do.
Drew:Because. So I grew up very christian.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Because of this, I happen to know a lot about the whole, like, antichrist, Satan, coming back situation. Not even because I wanted to, just cuz it was involved in life.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:When you can't even do the basic research to figure out a, where would the mark of the beast end up on somebody who had it, which in the Bible is on their hand not four times on their chest? B, if you can't even figure out that the fucking pentagram on his belt is supposed to be upside down.
Kyle:I was think I was noticed.
Drew:Actual fuck is going on? Why did any of you guys.
Kyle:Was there one upside down cross?
Seth:Yeah, the cross. The cross on the satanic church was regular.
Drew:You're right, you're right. It was regular.
Kyle:I want to tell anyone how to run their satanic cults.
Drew:But like, there's some basics. There's some of fucking basics that you have to do and you didn't do any of them. You didn't.
Seth:Yeah, I have a lot more about this in the bad guy version. I'll talk about it.
Drew: out of nowhere switches to a: Kyle:Maybe they were just like, read the script once, put on one of their clothes, and you want come on and film after Cracker barrel in 30 minutes.
Drew:It's literally like someone took a dart in the costume room and just threw it. When someone came in the room and whatever it hit, they were like, you're gonna wear that?
Kyle:And what you're saying is, as the crow flies.
Drew:Fuck it. Eat crowd. So much crow.
Seth:I hate the consistent theme here is that we're just like. We're asking ourselves, why did nobody say anything?
Kyle:I'm telling you they did. They got together and you're like, let's make the worst movie. Everyone always tries to make the best movie. Let's make the worst movie. But. Okay.
So I did have fun laughing at how ridiculous everything costume wise was. So even though I enjoyed it, I'm gonna go with the eat crow. Because if it's like, did they do it well? Well, no, no. Who cares?
We do right now, but usually, yeah.
Seth:All right, well, we just. We're racking it up here. 40.
Kyle:This is the one that saves them. Right?
Seth:I thought this would be better.
Drew:Have. Have any of them gone full crow?
Seth:I'm trying to think in the history of movie wars. Well, none of these have. None of them crow movies. I'm trying to think if we've ever had a zero on the scorecard because we got close.
Drew:I feel like we got close to shitty events.
Seth:City of Angels had one.
Drew:Yes. That had.
Seth:Okay, one or two. Yeah.
Kyle:Yeah.
Seth:Yeah. But, yeah. This is. This is actually unprecedented.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:And, of course, this is also the first time we've ever tackled an entire franchise. We usually do. Yeah. So. Yeah, so this is. This is good learning for us. How good are those bad guys, huh?
Kyle:Listen, I'll give them their props. I'm gonna say, I always forget the correct way of saying it, but as the crow flies, the villains were kind of what saved this movie.
What tried to save this movie. Right from the beginning. They give you more backstory of the villains than they ever do with the actual main character.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:Again, more writing does not mean better.
Kyle:If I were to. Okay. If I were to compare it to, like, all the movies in on Earth weren't great villains.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:But, like, feel like that moment in BoJack Horseman. I got a director's like, we're not making Citizen Kane. And he's like, yeah, it's a shitty movie. Right?
He's like, no, we're literally just making a different movie. This movie's awesome. But not Citizen Kane. Yeah, that's what this feels like.
Kyle:I'll get. I'll give for what it was the. I'm gonna give him a grip to fly.
Seth:Oh, man, Drew. Oh, man, Drew. That's commitment, baby.
Kyle:Gotta do something. I'm a people pleaser. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. Like Tara Reid or the Hearst driver.
Seth:You're afraid to give this a straight zero.
Kyle:Yeah, I am. I.
Seth:You know, I get it.
Drew:I'm not afraid at all. It's. It's. There's, again, a win a movie. Everyone over acts. It's the director's fault. But they're also coming. A point where everyone has to be like.
Like you said. Why? Why are we doing.
Seth:I've got a career to uphold here, literally.
Drew:Please just put a little bit of effort in. But no one did. It's no eat crow.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:Even with the cult leader dialogue at the wedding. Like, I'm praying now that someone eventually has me officiate their wedding and asks me to use that dialogue.
Seth:Do you want to be Satan or what?
Drew:Drew Davis is down for satanist weddings now, ladies and gentlemen.
Kyle:But only if I can use dialogue from the crow. Wicked prayer.
Drew:Only if he can finish by saying, I now pronounce you devil and shorty.
Seth:Oh, yeah, I'm going. This is actually my biggest problem with the movie, where the first one was so unique in this way. And I know some.
You guys said they were a little one dimensional. I kind of liked their dimensionality, but I thought the uniqueness of the villains.
You said something interesting, because I didn't become a Christian till later in my life, but I grew up a metalhead and listening to Slipknot.
Kyle:And so you had the same cult leader.
Seth:Yeah, yeah. And I also. Some of my favorite movies are, like, the Omen. Omen one and two. Those movies are just very interesting to me.
And those aren't super accurate either, but they're. At least the lore is a little more aligned with what you would think a movie about the Antichrist when.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:These are the weirdest, friendliest satanists ever.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:They're like trailer parks. They're like, this is like mean girls with Satan.
Kyle:It's a satanic cult that welcomes everybody.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:All right. It's like, you know, I do love the fact that every time Tara Reid feels guilty, she's just like, I just don't want to be white trash.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:It's her backstory. It lets you know why she's going through such lengths to become Satan's woman.
Seth:It's so sad that, like, the only thing keeping her from being white trash was making the Antichrist. It was like, that was.
Kyle:There were probably less extreme measures she could have done.
Seth:There's not a management job at the local shop store. There's not a. There's no. There's just nothing, you know, and. But they're Satanists.
And it reminds me, I used to do a bit a long time ago, I worked with. I didn't know she was a satanist, but she sent me an email and invited me to a potluck at the Church of saint that she worshipped.
And I'm just like, is a potluck a church of Satan thing? Like, you're talking sandwiches and finger foods.
Kyle:It's a barbecue.
Seth:What about sacrificing the virgins?
Drew:Is that part of it, too, like that?
Seth:Yeah, it was a long time ago. That's like a six year old bit.
Kyle:Love it.
Seth:But I was like. I was like, the potluck at the Church of saint. What about the virgins and the sacrifice?
Kyle:I mean. No, no, it's free food's free food.
Seth:At some point, yeah, I was weirded out, but that's what this is. This is like a potluck at the Church of Saint. Like, these are like, you said, the cross isn't even upside down. Like, that's like the whole.
That's like the symbol is the upside down?
Drew:It's like you couldn't even get the basics right.
Kyle:Maybe we're looking at this movie all wrong. Maybe the message is actually to satanic cults, which is like, hey, you don't have to do all the things correctly.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:I mean, because they. Technically, they succeeded in bringing Satan back for a little bit. Like, they. As far as satanic cults go, they're doing more than most.
Seth:Like, we need a tier three satanism that's accessible to trailer park children.
Kyle:All are welcome.
Seth:And aztec indian hybrids. Yeah, they're just not raising enough hell here for me. I mean, Damien was three years old and he killed his nanny, you know, in the omen.
Kyle:Well, they should step it up.
Seth:This is Satanism light. This is like.
Drew:Yeah, say, this is like, very progressive Satan.
Seth:The Coors light of satanism here hardly eat crow. God, this movie, it's so bad. I was mad. I was mad at myself for. For making us watch this. Well, we got one category left. It's five oh.
Or no, it's six oh. Oh. No. Actually, we have two categories left. Sorry. It's 50. All right. The shitty city award.
Drew:What city?
Kyle:Yeah, there was no city. The shitty desert. A word? Okay.
Seth:I don't know.
Drew:Of all the places you could have gone to the desert, why did they pick Utah?
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:They could have just picked Arizona, which actually feels more like Mexico. But no, they were all hanging to New Mexico.
Kyle:They were all hanging out in Utah and said, wouldn't it be funny if we made a movie this afternoon?
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:And then they went. They filmed it.
Seth:Yeah. Yeah.
Drew:There's no character to it. There's nothing that makes it unique, just other than being a desert while everything else has been in a city setting, it just, again, it's. It.
Had you not even put the crow name to this movie there, even with the crow name, I was like, how is this the crow? It's all. It's all shit.
Seth:Yeah.
Kyle:I mean, like, to me, it's clearly. It does have its place in the cronus because, I mean, the plot of the crow.
Drew:The crowing. Yeah.
Kyle:Like, but the, I mean, when you look at the backdrop in the setting compared to. And I didn't like the one in the last movie, so we'll go the first two. I mean, like, it, it, no, it. There was, there was no.
There was no dark lights and rainy story. Didn't feel like Gotham.
Drew:No.
Kyle:I don't know how you could have done it in a desert, but maybe the first idea is don't do it into that. Desert, you know? Yeah, but so now it's ecrow.
Seth:Yeah, yeah, I'm the same. I remember comments from the last podcast, like, one of the first deaths, like that perverted cop.
It looked like it was behind, like, a croaker in a suburban area. You know, it's like each film has slowly degraded down into.
And this film has basically removed anything that makes it a crow movie minus a mask and a crow.
Drew:Yeah, yeah.
Kyle:Well, okay, so what if maybe this is devil's advocate with us, which in this case we're not. That's a weird thing to be in.
Drew:This is Jesus advocate.
Seth:A wicked prayer advocate.
Kyle:The whole. All the. All the crows have happened in, like, desolate, rundown places. And so by that logic, where they were at was pretty desolate and run down.
It was just a different type of scenery, but it still had, like, the.
Seth:Essence of crappy and salvation. Or in this one.
Kyle:In this one.
Drew:Okay, but here's the thing. If you're gonna.
Kyle:But also salvation too.
Drew:The reason the. The settings for the other ones worked so well was because of the aesthetic of the crow.
The fact that they went with that goth nature and wanted to keep the goth nature going through the whole series. That's why they stuck with.
Kyle:Yeah.
Drew:Then you suddenly take this very specific look and try to apply it to a very brightly lit. Again, it worked because the. The other ones lean, very noir. This one had no style to it whatsoever. Everything was so flatly lit.
They literally just looked like they put up a shit ton of lights, pointed them all at the actors with no rhyme or reason and just said, cool, we're gonna go with that. It did nothing to bring that style of character. It didn't even give it any type of understanding. Understanding for the setting they were in.
Seth:Yeah.
Drew:So, no, I can't. There's nothing to defend here now.
Kyle:I'll give it. I'll give it an eat crow because I do like, I do like that about the movies that they keep it. I wish. I wish it was a time, a timepiece.
And you saw the same city.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:Throughout different times.
Drew:It'd be cool.
Kyle:And you could kind of watch the evolution of the place or, like, the degrade of it.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:Like, then. Then the city itself would become, like, the first one. Another character. Yeah, but I don't need. I don't care about Utah.
Seth:Yeah, you actually said. Exactly. I was gonna say, great films can make the setting a character.
You know, whether it's beautiful, dead, degraded, whatever it is, like, it can actually act as a character. I just don't even think, like, here's the thing. Show us the trailer park. Because these kids are obviously all trailer park kids. They all.
You find out eventually they all know each other. They either went to prison together, like, obviously they all had something, but there's nothing to unify these people.
The first one we knew, like, everyone acted the way they did because it seems like they're all in this environment and they all grew out of the ground. There's just. There's no intentionality here. Yeah, they're.
They're kind of trying to lean western like that looks like they're trying to do spaghetti western with maybe some Robert Rodriguez type of flair. But I just. Is Robert or Richie? I can't.
Drew:No, it's Robert.
Seth:Robert. Sorry. I was like, is it Danny Rodriguez?
Drew:But the other thing is, being in the desert, they could have so easily leaned into the noir lighting because you could have had all these super harsh shadows, be it a day or night. Because at the night, especially since the whole time it was supposed to have a full moon, basically.
Kyle:Yeah.
Drew:You could have easily had these really cool, harsh shadows that would have given life and some character to the setting. But they didn't do any of that.
Kyle:They could. Yeah, you're right. They could have. I think they would have needed a lot more to save the movie. But they could have, like, put it in a darker tone.
Drew:Oh, absolutely.
Kyle:And more nighttime scenes.
Drew:I mean, had the script stayed exactly the same. But had someone tried on this film, it just. It could have gone from an absolute zero. Which, by the way, this movie has a 0% on Rotten Tomato.
I have never seen that before.
Seth:That's pretty low. Right.
Kyle:I'm gonna go give it tomato. Just try to help them out a little bit.
Drew:Yeah, but the fact that they didn't even try is what I think genuinely makes everything so bad.
Seth:Yeah. And I think. I think one thing we just uncovered is this really falls on the cinematography because.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:And the camera work because that was our, like, one of our few dots on City of Angels was at least it looked nice and it was a little overdone. But the haziness, the great angles, at least when it was. When. When no one was trying to act.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:They were like images.
Kyle:They were like, let's make a crow movie.
Seth:Yeah. And there were images.
Kyle:This one is like, let's make a western with a side of crow that was so.
Drew:That is a great example of a terrible script. But everybody tried on that set this.
They got the terrible script, and instead of saying, okay, I'm gonna put my all into making this piece of shit actually something we could look at. Everyone just said, no, it's gonna just go to direct to dvd anyways, so fuck it. Let's just.
Seth:Yeah, this is how bad the imagery here is, you know, cuz I make all the content, I was like Google searching images from this film and even just looking at still shots out of it. Just even a still shot looks so unenthusiastic. Like no one cared.
Kyle:It was like, it was like a. A bunch of high schoolers right after school saying, let's make a movie.
Drew:But I've seen better high school movies.
Seth:Yeah, yeah, I've seen, yeah, I've seen better, worse movies. Like even some of those straight to tv. Stephen King, Tommy knockers is better than this, Lingolier's is better than his, and Lingal ears is awful.
Well, at 60, do we think we're gonna go for the. We're gonna go for the Triple Crown?
Kyle:I think we can do it. I think we can do it.
Seth:Revenge served. Awesome.
Kyle:Here's the thing, this movie, you kind of forget to about the revenge, it ends with him stopping Satan from returning to earth.
I mean, like, okay, sure, yeah, I guess the revenge still happened, but like, you get more caught up in the overall plot of the bad stuff that's gonna happen, if that's what you wanna call it. But. So no eat crow here.
Drew:We.
Kyle:I mean, yeah, this was not a revenge movie.
Drew:This was a save the world movie.
Kyle:And dude didn't crow. Didn't even care. He was like, please let me die. What do I have to do to die? Do I have to let Satan come back?
Seth:I'll do that. Yeah, no, he comes back for revenge, but that ends up getting lost immediately.
Drew:Yeah.
Seth:And also, is this like, are they going to make kind of like a, like a kind of lackluster antichrist? Don't you just get the feeling like if they did actually make the Antichrist, it's going to be like the worst antichrist?
Like, he's not going to be able to. Yeah, I go eat crows here. And like you said, and to take that point even further, I just don't, I don't even know what anyone's doing here.
No one did, like the pivot to the Antichrist thing. And I. And these being kind of the jolliest satanist on the planet with their, right. Their regular crosses on their occult church.
Kyle:And they're rebranding Satanism for everybody.
Seth:Yes.
Kyle:They want you to know you could be a satanist too.
Seth:Yeah, exactly. I just. And watching Edward Furlong, anytime he did try to be physical, watching him try to exert effort here. No one's scared of this.
Kyle:Yeah.
Seth:No one's scared of this. I. Yeah, this is e crow. This whole seven to zero or. Zero to seven. Holy smokes.
Drew:Yeah.
Kyle:This is the first time in movie wars.
Seth:It is, yes. And.
Kyle:But it makes sense with this movie.
Seth:It's a nightmare. And the whole time, I just kept thinking, I'm sorry, Brandon. I'm so sorry that they did.
Drew:Look what they did to my boy.
Seth:Look what they did to my baby. Yeah, I. You know, I'll close with this. Every. They eviscerated every feeling, every. The. All the feelings that people reacted to the remake with a.
That's not. Here. They. They weren't considering that they. No one. I don't. I don't think anybody on set maybe knew who Brandon Lee was.
It doesn't feel like they ever watched a crow film.
Kyle:What time? What. What year did this movie come out?
Drew:2005.
Kyle: . But the first one came in:Like, enough time had passed where they were just like, let's make another movie.
Seth: he crazy thing. It started in: Kyle:That means so many people were like, please don't put this movie out. So many people were like, we don't think this is. Yeah, that's why nobody talks about.
That's why terror Reed has no interviews where she's like, let me tell you about my time with wicked pray.
Seth:Yeah. American crow here. Well, we just did a nice shitting on this movie.
Kyle:Hope you brought your toilet paper.
Seth:And I'm sorry I drug you two here. I forgot how bad it was.
Kyle:I loved it.
Drew:It.
Seth:We're going to do good movies on this podcast again. We will do good movies on this podcast. I prize my guarantee to you.
Drew:But one out of four so far.
Kyle:But not next week.
Seth:Yeah. Does Bill Skarsgard save us? That's the question. Or is the. Is the reaction to this reboot warranted? I'm a diehard Crow fan, always have been.
So it'll be interesting to hear your perspectives and. But anyway, thank you for saying your prayers. I'm Kyle.
Drew:I'm Seth.
Kyle:I'm Drew.
Seth:Love you.
